My mental health hasn’t been that great the last couple of weeks because college is crazy, my grandpa is at the hospital and I just haven’t been feeling that good. So these are a few things that I keep doing and afterwards feel guilty about.
I’m jealous over a lot of things. I’m jealous of my friends doing things without me, I’m jealous of other people being prettier, I’m jealous of bloggers who are doing everything better than me, … And worst of all, I know that I don’t need to be jealous. I know that my friends still like me, I know I don’t have to compare myself with others, and I’m happy that these bloggers are doing amazing and creating good content! It’s just that these thoughts are in my head on my bad days and it just sucks.
I’m constantly crying and I hate it. Is someone mad at me? I cry. Is someone sad? I cry. Is someone irritated because of me? I cry. Do I have to tell someone something ‘bad’? I cry. I don’t know why but I’m always crying. I guess I have really strong emotions, but it’s so annoying. I wish I could just silence these emotions and feelings, and I wish I was able not to cry all the time.
When I’m feeling like shit, I’m always eating, and not the healthy stuff. It feels like I have my period non-stop because I’m always eating in the hope to make me feel better. Eating does make me feel better at that moment but afterwards, I feel so guilty because I’m trying to be a bit more healthy. I’m always having these crisps and chocolate cravings and it's just so hard not to give in!
Sometimes it feels like I need 24/7 attention from my boyfriend and best friends. There are days that it feels like they don't care about me anymore because we haven't chatted for a few hours/days. Because of my anxiety, I always think that people don't like or love me anymore and that's really hard to deal with. I have these thoughts all the time and for example, I'm with some friends and when I leave the room to go to the toilet, I think that they're talking about me behind my back. It's probably because when I was younger I thought I had a best friend, but she was always talking about me behind my back. I think that my own experiences make my anxiety worse, and it just sucks feeling like that and I wish I wasn't like that.
Not getting as much done as I would want to
I always make beautiful to-do lists and schedule time to do things for college and my blog, and when I'm finally ready to work, I'm just scrolling through social media, eating, looking outside the window, playing with my cat, ... I put so much effort into creating lists and scheduling time, but I don't use the lists or the time to do something important. It's just really annoying that I can't focus on one thing and keep doing it.
Not going outside
The last thing I'm guilty of is not going outside. There are days that I feel like crap, barely eat and don't leave the couch. I hate these days especially when I know that going outside can make me feel better. It's just that the depression and anxiety are tricking my mind into believing that going outside is dangerous. I know that it's okay to have days when you don't really want to go outside, but sometimes it takes so long for me to go outside. On these days I'm happy that my friends cancel plans, or that these friends can come to my house and I feel guilty about that.
I think we all have things we're guilty of, and we have to learn to deal with the guilt and perhaps try not to do these things as much as we're doing them now.