25 May 2018

Mental health update #3

*Trigger warning: descriptions of or extensive discussion on self-harming behaviour*

It’s been awhile since I made another mental health update. I used to see my therapist every two weeks, but now I see her once a month because she told me I was getting better and that I could handle my anxiety and depression better than in the beginning. I went to see her two weeks ago so that’s why I wanted to give you guys another update.

In the beginning, since my update, I’ve been feeling really good. I keep track of my mood and habits in my bullet journal and almost every day I was happy, except a few moments. I didn’t really have any shitty day and now I’ve been getting these shitty days again. I don’t really know why I’m feeling like this again. Is it stress and college? Is it my boyfriend? I don’t know. I think it’s a mix of everything.


I’ve been feeling really stressy lately because exams are approaching, all my teachers are giving me tasks even though I could use my time to study, and even my internship gave me some stress. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my internship, but I always wanted to do everything perfectly because I’m a bit of a perfectionist and I always wanted to look like a good person without anxiety or depression. I wanted to be my better self and it could give me some stress because I always wanted to be perfect and I kept on this mask of being perfect for 2 weeks. It may sound stupid because it’s just an internship, but I always want people to think that I’m a good person without any problems (even though I have a lot of them). Same with college, I don’t want people to see me as someone who is fighting battles every day. I want them to see that I’m happy and in love, even though I can be depressed and barely want to get out of the house.

Same goes for my boyfriend. I barely see him once a week and I don’t want to ruin my time with him by talking about my problems and by crying non-stop. And it’s kind of a bad thing to do. Not talking about my problems isn’t getting me anywhere and my boyfriend is going to think that everything’s fine even though it’s not. He knows about my anxiety and depression, and he tries to understand everything but he doesn’t know everything yet. I don’t want to overwhelm him with all my feelings, and I don’t want him to feel like his love isn’t enough for me. I love him to the moon and back, but even the happiest people can feel depressed.

Besides stress and my boyfriend, I’ve been struggling with my self-harm again. I know, I’m so stupid, but sometimes it feels like the only solution. Sometimes it’s just easier to give in than to fight it, but I’ll keep on trying to fight it.

I’ve also been feeling like I don’t want to see my therapist any more even though I really like talking to her. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say to her or I don’t know what she can do to make me feel better. But when I did visit her two weeks ago, I was glad I did. I really needed to talk to her. While I was talking to her, I was non-stop crying. Everything is sometimes just too much for me, and I had to get everything out. And she told me that it was okay to feel like this and that it was okay to cry like this. She even told me that she thinks I am really strong because I could’ve gone to a mental hospital or I could’ve committed suicide, but I did not. I’m still fighting this depression and I’m still trying to think positively, and that makes me a strong person. When she told me all these things, I felt so much better. I’m really grateful to have such a good therapist!

It doesn’t matter that you need to cry or that you don’t cry at all. It doesn’t matter that you go to a therapist or not. But don’t be afraid to talk about it! We can fight this together!

50 comments:

  1. Have you ever heard of the Butterfly Project? It is designed to help people who struggle with self harm. My sister told me about it when I asked her why exactly she had chosen to tattoo a butterfly on the back of her neck :) You should Google it, maybe it can help. Love you <3 Xxx

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    1. Thank you for the tip, Jolien! I think I've heard about it but I'm not sure! Love you too sweetie!๐Ÿ’•

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  2. Talking about feeling and internal problems we face is never easy. Please know that you can always DM me if you feel the need to talk it out with someone. Stay strongxx

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    1. Thank you Diana! You can always talk to me too!๐Ÿ’‹

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  3. Thanks for posting this babe, I think it shows a lot of courage. I’ve suffered through self harm so if you ever need some advice or someone to talk to you know how to reach me, sending my love beautiful x

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    1. Thank you Rebecca, that means so much to me!๐Ÿ’—

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  4. Thank you for posting this, it's really brave! If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always message me xx

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    1. Thank you Della, you can always talk to me too!๐Ÿงก

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  5. This was such a brave post, just know that you have people around you and you are never alone. I hope the stress passes soon for you x

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    1. Thank Evie, that means so much to me!❤️

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  6. You're so brave for posting this, but thank you, it's SO important that we talk and share our stories. You're doing amazing girl, fingers crossed the stress will go once exams are over xxxx

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    1. I think it's important too! Thank you so much Jaime!๐Ÿ’œ

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  7. You're really strong, thank you for sharing this it kind of helps people to see that even when you're getting help you're still going to have bad days!

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    1. Thank you Ellie! That's so sweet!๐Ÿ˜Š

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  8. Great and brave post, thanks for sharing. The bullet journal seems like a cool way to keep track.

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    1. Thank you! And yeah I really like keeping track of my moods via my BuJo!๐Ÿ˜Š

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  9. I’m loving this post, not many people have that courage to post something like this and it will help so many people ��

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  10. I LOVE how you've been so honest Hun, never feel alone or like you can't speak ! Only a message away. Xx

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  11. This is such an honest, well written and heartfelt post Shirley. Using your bullet journal to track moods is such a good idea and really helpful too. Sorry to hear you have been having a tough time lately, I hope your exams go well and you feel better soon. Sharing your thoughts and feelings is such a good way to help others going through something similar and reassure them you understand xx

    Bexa | www.hellobexa.com

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    1. Awh thank you Bexa, you're so sweet!๐Ÿ˜Š

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  12. I think it’s great that you are able to sit there and so openly write about your current situations. I too suffer and some times it can be a lot harder than others but it’s great that you use the bullet journal to help you. I wish you all the luck in the world for your journey sweetheart.

    Ashleigh
    www.thestoryofashleighdavis.com

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    1. Yeah writing blog posts about my mental health really helps because I can just write whatever I'm feeling and I know that people can relate to it and hopefully feel like they can talk about it too! Thank you Ashleigh!๐Ÿ˜Š

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  13. Shirley, let me say first of all you are a beautiful woman. Inside and out and it hurts to know that you harm yourself, although I can relate as I also have self harmed in the past. Although you are struggling at the moment with everything that’s going on, the good news is your mindset is in the right place and you’re helping yourself as well as sharing your story to inspire others. Things will always get better and I’m proud of you! Xo

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    1. Awh thank you so much Lozza! This means so much to me and I cannot thank you enough for your kind words!๐Ÿ’œ

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  14. Thank you for sharing this with us, gal.
    I can totally relate to the feeling of people wanting to see you as a happy person. I feel the same way many times as well. I have been going through stuff (burn out and anxiety) and I am afraid people may judge me for it when I tell them. I think that its great that you are seeking out help and that you are working on yourself. every little step towards healing on this journey counts.
    Try to be kind to yourself in the process.
    And if you would ever need a listening ear, let me know
    Love,
    Rose - www.rainbowsdreamcloud.com

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    1. Awh Rose, that's really kind of you! Thank you so much! And I'm always here for you too!๐Ÿ˜Š

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  15. Very well written post and very strong for you to have written. Its great that you seeking help and its good to keep track in a journal too.

    Melissa |

    Moonlight Mel

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    1. Thank you Melissa!๐Ÿ˜Š I'm glad that I made the decision to go to a therapist!๐Ÿ˜Š

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  16. Thank you so much for sharing! I’m glad that the bullet journal is helping you in tracking your moods. This is such a brave and honest post.

    Keeley x

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    1. Thank you Keeley, that's really sweet of you!๐Ÿ˜Š

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  17. Such an honest post, I think it's really good that you're speaking out about mental health like this. It gives a place for others to recognize themselves in. I think I really could've used posts like this when I was in a similar situation a few years back <3
    sending lots of love to you! If you ever need a listening ear, please come talk to me!

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    1. Awh thank you so much Nele! That's so sweet of you and thank you for your kind words!๐Ÿ˜Š You can always talk to me too!๐Ÿ˜Š

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  18. It sounds like you have a lot of stress going on in your life at the moment. I hope things get better for you soon but in the meantime you should be proud that you are brave and strong enough to not only keep fighting but talk so openly about it. I am sure it means a lot to people to know that they are not the only ones struggling sometimes.

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    1. Yeah I've been really stressy but I think everything will be a bit better when my exams are over! And thank you so much!๐Ÿ˜Š

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  19. Maybe trying to put on a brave face for your internship has tired you out and drained you, and that's why you suddenly feel so low with little explanation. Just remember that it's totally normal to feel worn down after pretending for so long that you weren't, and to look after yourself so you can recover from that. Very brave post, I hope things improve for you soon! ๐Ÿ’–

    Beka | astrobeks.wordpress.com

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    1. I agree, Rebecca! Thank you so much!๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’‹

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  20. It's so amazing you can write about your anxiety and depression. I've struggled with it on and off in the past but have never spoke so openly like you have! Very inspirational!

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    1. Awh thank you Megan! Yeah talking about it makes me feel better because perhaps I can help others by sharing my story!๐Ÿ˜Š

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  21. I know how you feel with the internship, but don't worry they're not expecting you to be perfect. It took me a long time to realise that doing your best and being perfect aren't the same! Your mental illnesses are something you have - but they're not all you have. You seem very insightful and I wish you the best!

    Efia @ Effy Talks Life xxx

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    1. Awh thank you so much Efia, that's really sweet of you!๐Ÿ˜Š

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  22. I can relate so much, Shirley! I'm the same way when it comes to putting on a smile to make people think everything is totally fine. I really don't like showing people true emotions, but I'm working on it. I'm actually starting therapy this week actually, and I'm super nervous! Great post

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    1. I'm so proud of you that you're starting therapy this week! You can do this!๐Ÿ’‹

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  23. Aww, lovely, I understand a lot of what you are going through, but I just wanted to say I think you're wonderful. I know it won't fix anything you're going through, but I just needed you to know.

    Also, in terms of your boyfriend, one of the best things I did, both for myself and my relationship, was tell mine everything I was feeling. I had the same fear as you - that he might think his love wasn't enough for me - but he was incredibly understanding and it took a big weight off my shoulders. Only you can decide when the time is right, but I'm sure he will love and support you!

    Sending you lots of love.

    Ruth | www.ruthinrevolt.com

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    1. Awh thank you Ruth! And perhaps I should tell my boyfriend everything, thank you for the tip!๐Ÿ’•

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  24. Wow Shirley, so brave of you to be so honest on here, Your therapist sounds like she really helps and I'm sure your boyfriend would happily listen no matter what! I'm here any time if you need to talk too xxx

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  25. Thank you for being so honest in this post. I hope you feel less stressed soon, exam season is such a tough and emotional time, you've got this and I'm sure you'll ace all of your exams xx

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