*Trigger warning: descriptions of or extensive discussion on self-harming behaviour*
It’s been awhile since I made another mental health update. I used to see my therapist every two weeks, but now I see her once a month because she told me I was getting better and that I could handle my anxiety and depression better than in the beginning. I went to see her two weeks ago so that’s why I wanted to give you guys another update.
In the beginning, since my update, I’ve been feeling really good. I keep track of my mood and habits in my bullet journal and almost every day I was happy, except a few moments. I didn’t really have any shitty day and now I’ve been getting these shitty days again. I don’t really know why I’m feeling like this again. Is it stress and college? Is it my boyfriend? I don’t know. I think it’s a mix of everything.
I’ve been feeling really stressy lately because exams are approaching, all my teachers are giving me tasks even though I could use my time to study, and even my internship gave me some stress. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my internship, but I always wanted to do everything perfectly because I’m a bit of a perfectionist and I always wanted to look like a good person without anxiety or depression. I wanted to be my better self and it could give me some stress because I always wanted to be perfect and I kept on this mask of being perfect for 2 weeks. It may sound stupid because it’s just an internship, but I always want people to think that I’m a good person without any problems (even though I have a lot of them). Same with college, I don’t want people to see me as someone who is fighting battles every day. I want them to see that I’m happy and in love, even though I can be depressed and barely want to get out of the house.
Same goes for my boyfriend. I barely see him once a week and I don’t want to ruin my time with him by talking about my problems and by crying non-stop. And it’s kind of a bad thing to do. Not talking about my problems isn’t getting me anywhere and my boyfriend is going to think that everything’s fine even though it’s not. He knows about my anxiety and depression, and he tries to understand everything but he doesn’t know everything yet. I don’t want to overwhelm him with all my feelings, and I don’t want him to feel like his love isn’t enough for me. I love him to the moon and back, but even the happiest people can feel depressed.
Besides stress and my boyfriend, I’ve been struggling with my self-harm again. I know, I’m so stupid, but sometimes it feels like the only solution. Sometimes it’s just easier to give in than to fight it, but I’ll keep on trying to fight it.
I’ve also been feeling like I don’t want to see my therapist any more even though I really like talking to her. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say to her or I don’t know what she can do to make me feel better. But when I did visit her two weeks ago, I was glad I did. I really needed to talk to her. While I was talking to her, I was non-stop crying. Everything is sometimes just too much for me, and I had to get everything out. And she told me that it was okay to feel like this and that it was okay to cry like this. She even told me that she thinks I am really strong because I could’ve gone to a mental hospital or I could’ve committed suicide, but I did not. I’m still fighting this depression and I’m still trying to think positively, and that makes me a strong person. When she told me all these things, I felt so much better. I’m really grateful to have such a good therapist!
It doesn’t matter that you need to cry or that you don’t cry at all. It doesn’t matter that you go to a therapist or not. But don’t be afraid to talk about it! We can fight this together!